who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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