I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
