chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Randomize
