there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
