Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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