I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
