Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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