Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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