apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
