Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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