she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
