I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
