finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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