my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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