This is not my ceiling
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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