On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I need to calm my uterus...
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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