Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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