i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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