So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
