What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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