I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
you inspire me to be a worse person
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
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