I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I just want nice things and good sex
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
