I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Who died my cat blue again?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
