Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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