Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
