Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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