the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
