She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
