The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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