Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
