That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
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