Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
