I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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