Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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