I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
