I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
