OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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