dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
