for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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