I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize