I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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