Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
