where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
