So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
