So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
