Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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