I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
