i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
