it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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