so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
