There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
