what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
