Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
