just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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