I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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